We are more than halfway through 2017!! It’s interesting to look back over the past 7 months and reflect on where I was in January. I remember feeling like God was speaking to me about it being a “new season” and several spiritual leaders that I follow were talking about it being “a year of breakthrough”. I KNEW I had to get serious. Several times in the early months while I was in the middle of reading a book, playing a video game or binge watching Netflix, I clearly heard the Lord tell me I was wasting my time. Yikes! As I continued to walk things out, I also started asking Him to show me any areas of my life that were not pleasing to Him.
I went home during Easter and received some unexpected prayer. I heard the Lord tell me that I was hiding my talent. (Mat 25) It was such an odd way He spoke too. It was a quiet thought and there was no emotion or inflection in the words. I could have ignored them. Instead I chose to examine what He spoke and allow those words to penetrate my spirit. I knew I had been “hiding” for quite a few years.
As far back as 2013, leaders in my life that I trust and love began sharing with me about things that they were seeing and feeling. Many times it included how they saw me speaking and teaching large groups of people. They used words like: “stadiums” “thousands” and “your own thing”. I COMPLETELY resisted those ideas. In my head, my thoughts were, “Ohhhh nooo that’s not me.” I even told my friends, “well you know that scripture where it says we see in part and prophesy in part?? That’s what is happening here.” To myself I said, “I am just creating a ripple effect by impacting one person I will impact thousands”….that little thought was fear. And unbelief. My inability to take a huge idea/dream and go for it.
Someone told me that when I speak the children are fed and when I am silent the children go hungry. They said that my words are a feast at the table of the Lord. That was one of the most heartbreaking statements I have heard. I HAVE been silent. I knew I needed to seek the Lord in repentance and direction. I fasted. I began to investigate my WHY. Who am I at the core of my being and why I am called to do the things God has called me to. God spoke to me during my fast. He told me to start my journey with blogging and He told me to start an online connect group where I could share what I have on my heart to whoever wants to come. I know I need to move forward. And that’s what I am choosing to do. There is a verse that says “Forgetting what is behind and pressing on towards what is ahead….”. I had to forgive myself for my choices and lost years. But I am pressing on. I am choosing to take every opportunity I have to speak and share. To not hold back. This journey has been hard because I don’t like to mess up or make mistakes. This feels like it’s really huge and its overwhelming. Saying yes didn’t even bring me a sense of relief. If anything it has brought stress and anxiety. I think this is just an aspect of refining that I am going through. It’s all worth it though. I am out of hiding now.